These are the famous Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy.
My Top Ten Favorite Deep Thoughts are first...
10. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to
laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem
quite so funny.
9. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this
started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my
8. Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that
Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like
anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the
secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited,
and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call
7. I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about
twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for
gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya
durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that
was easy." Good joke, huh.
6. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't
want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up,
act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
5. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down.
I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the
door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife
stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually
feel a lot better, and no harm done.
4. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is
"Probably because of something you did."
3. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the
guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.
"That's dynamite, baby."
2. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut
on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he
goes out for the moon pieces -- WHAM! -- you just slam the door behind him and blast off.
He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think
again, bat man."
1. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little
nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh,
no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that
deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real
DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
And now, in no particular order (what the hell, did you think I was
going to rate all 100 of them??)...
- I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by
size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
- Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"
and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is
- I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I
don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,
"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
- I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story
- I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the
evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help
illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as
when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as
when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
- One day, my friend came to me and said he'd found Jesus. I thought, wow, he's really
rich now, isn't he. Then i found out he meant something else.
- If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover
fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
- I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment" even if he does,
because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech
improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech
improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
- A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous
snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that you
got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A
lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was
just a joke.
- The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd
all pile into the car I forget what kind it was and drive and drive. I'm not
sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was
strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I
guess some things never leave you.
- Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before.
But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love
I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
- Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars
around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no
factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car?
And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the
driving rain unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a
- If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if
someone tries to kill you.
- If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think
it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they
think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
- I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman
- I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you
could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
- If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think
of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign
of jungle madness.
- Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping
trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane
- When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press
- When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said,
"I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she
left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
- We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally,
to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
- To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the
dancers hit each other.
- If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be
Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
- When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out
the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
- It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and
freak everybody out.
- Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for
a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to
get a lot of free games.
- I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the
ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
- If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd
carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like
"Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody
else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The
soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because
they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a
- I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up
saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get
embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad
and eat the snowman.
- The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this
one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go
around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost
broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached
out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a
little, but that's the way of these people.
- I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the
ruthless domination of our solar system.
- Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us
died of tuberculosis.
- I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children,
because I don't think children should be having sex.
- If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet
that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
- If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them
down his throat).
- Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't
we all be brothers?
- I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit
my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
- I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all
got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
- The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
- Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but
it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff
could happen and it could be like ambition.
- I'd rather be rich than stupid.
- If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you
and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I
swallowed it. So sue me."
- If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and
tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
- What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold
baby? Maybe we'll never know.
- Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface
attached to the end of a long stick.
- I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make
someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I
- As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable
- until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
- Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and
attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
- If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if
they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
- Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when
you're coming home his face might burn up.
- We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be
laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
- I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like
dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
- If you drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're
- You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who made people happy,
but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
- If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on
you, I think you should buck him off right away.
- If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students
from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
- Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy
screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
- He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out
of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral,
when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot
them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven with a
- Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion
or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just
trampling and eating everything they see.
- As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get
out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
- If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins
the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
- I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all
take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
- As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to
the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
- If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching
you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
- I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.
- He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and people would go,
"Who is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself, maybe pull out his gun and show
it to the person, to kind of impress him (but not to show off). Sometimes spying was dirty
work. Sometimes he'd kill a guy, then paint a clown face on his face. Nobody said he had
to do that, but he did it anyway. So, dirty work.
- I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old
Yeller, stay in the cellar."
- At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark
Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if
a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray
vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say,
"Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw &*$%
you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
- If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they
started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
- Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules
dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said that rules have
become the foot-long sticks of mankind.
- Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next
pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky swing.
- To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk
around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say,
"Sorry, got these sacks."
- Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the
- If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and
he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him
would be Carl.
- I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to
the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
- It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred
drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the
dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them! Man, wise
- I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for
- Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!
- I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie,
then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around.
Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put
him in the movie."
- I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.
- Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the earth, and if
it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, as if you're going
to fall in.
- One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy
Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"
- Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his
pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks
broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever
says that is a goddamn liar.
- Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the soup of
- In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the
Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.
- I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which
you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck
and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water
and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for
- Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
- Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of
being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
- If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait
until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet.
Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've
never done this, but I think it'd work.
- As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it
turned out. "This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the sergeant as
he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.
- I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetery, they found
fragments of human bones! What kind of barbarians were these people, anyway?
- I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God
with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of shiny jewels on it. He
sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's about five hundred feet tall. He talks in a
real deep voice like "I...AM...GOD!" He can blow up stuff just by looking at it.
This is my own, personal idea of God.
- Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a
thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
- Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a
world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to
- Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the
"Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell
everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just
like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd
invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud
chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the
Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
- The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved
his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better
than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets
it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered
out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect
gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the
doctor's bills were real high.
- If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels",
because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What
the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Prince of
- I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
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