"A Redneck Christmas"
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Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
And I was camped out on my old La-Z-Boy.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you can't take me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what did he look like?"

The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller,
Got a big beer gut belly, like a regular feller...
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my sister-in-law Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing was dressed all in red.
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It won't be the first time I've spent New Years in jail.

I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
And I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
She said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Fred.

Well I ran out to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Fred's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my ol' gun,
When outta Fred's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag overflowin'.
Thought he'd stolen Fred's stuff while old Fred was out bowlin'
So I yelled, "Drop it fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That’s assault with intent Roy, I’ll see ya in court."

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