EXPRESSIONS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN

David Letterman's
Funniest Top Ten Lists

"You want turnips with that?"
"I’m spending three weeks’ salary on this Happy Meal."
"The food was better in the gulag."
"In nine or ten years when you do get a car, you’ll really appreciate the drive-thru window."
"Excuse me, comrade- my cold side is cold… but so is my hot side!"
"This sure beats driving a New York City cab."
"Volkov, KGB- what’s in the secret sauce?"
"I’m sorry, Mrs. Gorbachev, we’re not hiring."
"There go our Olympic hopes."
"This sucks. Let’s go to White Castle."

She's now totally deaf in one ear because of his super snoring
Every time he left the toilet seat up, blamed it on Clark Kent
Always making wisecracks about how his X-ray vision couldn't penetrate her meatloaf
Has no problem stopping a powerful locomotive, but try asking him to mow the lawn
His insistence that the kids be raised super
Won't ask directions even after he's been flying around lost for hours
He always had to go "stop a tidal wave" whenever her parents were in town
He may be evil, but at least Lex Luthor has a car
Saw him barhopping in the Village in a Wonder Woman outfit
Tired of excuses like "There must be some kryptonite under the bed"

During the fittings for caps & gowns, you're sent out to the football field to look for four-leaf clovers
Your only English paper was titled "TV Guide: Gateway to Viewing Pleasure"
You miss a lot of classes to appear in lineups
During final exams, teachers ask you to go out and get their lunch
Your rebuttal in the first round of the debate tournament: "You've convinced me!"
Nobody believes the pot in your locker was planted by "those Whitewater dudes"
Johnnie Cochran calls, asking you to serve on his next jury
They're giving you an incomplete in shop until you find the teacher's finger
It's nearly May and you still haven't found your homeroom
Your name: Kenny. This year's prom theme: "Sorry You Won't Be Graduating, Kenny"

Finding out the "C" in C rations stands for "cat"
Officers who won't accept the finger as a "New York salute"
You're on amphibious maneuvers and you just can't stop giggling
When your tank mates have been eating Mexican food
Marching with fixed bayonets and the guy behind you doesn't hear "halt!"
Mediocre in-flight magazine on troop transports
Getting hit with some "friendly fire" in the latrine
"Alfa-Bravo-Foxtrot-Charlie" I mean, what the hell is up with that shit?
Camouflage fatigues make your ass look huge
Whenever you screw up, somebody starts singing that "Be All That You Can Be" song real sarcastically

If you notice a guest using the wrong fork at dinner, pick up the right fork and jam it into his head
Nothing spruces up a bathroom like potpourri and a big stack of wrestling magazines
Spray-paint a couple of pomegranates gold and hurl them through the windshield of a police car
Heavily sedated pets make unusual centerpieces
Keep tall piles of old newspapers all around the house for that "crazy old hermit" look
Save time and money with a Reynolds Wrap coffin
After those pod people from outer space hatch, their empty pods make terrific catchalls
To show your host you enjoyed your meal, let loose with a foghorn belch
When aplying wood stain, make sure there's no ventilation so you'll get totally wasted
Add glitter to every damn thing you own