Funniest Top Ten Lists
EXPRESSIONS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T
- Frosting the pastry
- Shooting Hoops
- Jumping the turnstile
- Checking your oil
- Tethering the blimp
- Sending out for sushi
- Picnic on the grass
- Quarter-pounder at the Golden Arches
- Shaking hands with Abraham Lincoln
- Wind-surfing on Mount Baldy
LEAST-KNOWN NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTINGS
- A Boys First Manicure
- The Old Hobos Infected Foot
- The Circus Geek and the Cub Scout
- Caught Touching Himself
- Sniper in the Mall
- Sweetheart of the Cell Block
- Christmas at the Hair Club for Men
- Andrew Wyneth Nails Helga
- Bad Clams
- Turn Your Head and Cough
BIGFOOTS TOP TEN PET PEEVES
- Fat guys who lounge around the campground shirtless
- Nobody ever goes after Alf with tranquilizer darts
- Chicks who have a hang-up about lice-infested body hair
- This Dan Quayle jerk
- Kids today would rather see the San Diego Chicken
- Lead role in The Ed Asner Story never materialized
- The way squirrels smell when theyre damp
- Elvis always drops by right before dinner
- Honking Winnebagos while youre trying to enjoy road kill
- Drivers license photo makes him look like Gregg Allman
TOP TEN ELF COMPLAINTS
- Bells on clothing target for jeers at truck stops
- Need two pieces of ID to buy beer
- Santas union-busting goons killed a guy last spring
- Black elves control weight room
- R&R weekends in Aleutians spoiled by trigger-happy shore patrol
- Incredible markup at North Pole 7-Eleven
- Workmens compensation doesnt cover "mistletoe lung"
- The Colonel practically runs my life (Sorry, thats an Elvis complaint)
- Dead elves just tossed out on tundra
- Santa only invites his favorites to join him in the jacuzzi
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE MOSCOW MCDONALDS
- "You want turnips with that?"
- "Im spending three weeks salary on this Happy Meal."
- "The food was better in the gulag."
- "In nine or ten years when you do get a car, youll really appreciate the
- "Excuse me, comrade- my cold side is cold
but so is my hot side!"
- "This sure beats driving a New York City cab."
- "Volkov, KGB- whats in the secret sauce?"
- "Im sorry, Mrs. Gorbachev, were not hiring."
- "There go our Olympic hopes."
- "This sucks. Lets go to White Castle."
TOP TEN CHRISTMAS MOVIES IN TIMES SQUARE
- Hot Buttered Elves
- Santas Magic Lap
- Babes in Boyland
- Crisco Kringle
- Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
- Ninja Reindeer Killfest 98
- Not-So-Tiny Tim
- Santa Goes Round-the-World
- The Nutcracker Swede
- Im Not Rudolph; Thats Not My Nose
TOP TEN REASONS LOIS LANE IS DUMPING SUPERMAN
- She's now totally deaf in one ear because of his super snoring
- Every time he left the toilet seat up, blamed it on Clark Kent
- Always making wisecracks about how his X-ray vision couldn't penetrate her meatloaf
- Has no problem stopping a powerful locomotive, but try asking him to mow the lawn
- His insistence that the kids be raised super
- Won't ask directions even after he's been flying around lost for hours
- He always had to go "stop a tidal wave" whenever her parents were in town
- He may be evil, but at least Lex Luthor has a car
- Saw him barhopping in the Village in a Wonder Woman outfit
- Tired of excuses like "There must be some kryptonite under the bed"
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WON'T BE GRADUATING FROM HIGH SCHOOL
- During the fittings for caps & gowns, you're sent out to the football field to look
for four-leaf clovers
- Your only English paper was titled "TV Guide: Gateway to Viewing
- You miss a lot of classes to appear in lineups
- During final exams, teachers ask you to go out and get their lunch
- Your rebuttal in the first round of the debate tournament: "You've convinced
- Nobody believes the pot in your locker was planted by "those Whitewater dudes"
- Johnnie Cochran calls, asking you to serve on his next jury
- They're giving you an incomplete in shop until you find the teacher's finger
- It's nearly May and you still haven't found your homeroom
- Your name: Kenny. This year's prom theme: "Sorry You Won't Be Graduating,
TOP TEN SOLDIER PET PEEVES
- Finding out the "C" in C rations stands for "cat"
- Officers who won't accept the finger as a "New York salute"
- You're on amphibious maneuvers and you just can't stop giggling
- When your tank mates have been eating Mexican food
- Marching with fixed bayonets and the guy behind you doesn't hear "halt!"
- Mediocre in-flight magazine on troop transports
- Getting hit with some "friendly fire" in the latrine
- "Alfa-Bravo-Foxtrot-Charlie" I mean, what the hell is up with that shit?
- Camouflage fatigues make your ass look huge
- Whenever you screw up, somebody starts singing that "Be All That You Can Be"
song real sarcastically
MARTHA STEWART'S TOP TEN WORST TIPS FOR LIVING
- If you notice a guest using the wrong fork at dinner, pick up the right fork and jam it
into his head
- Nothing spruces up a bathroom like potpourri and a big stack of wrestling magazines
- Spray-paint a couple of pomegranates gold and hurl them through the windshield of a
- Heavily sedated pets make unusual centerpieces
- Keep tall piles of old newspapers all around the house for that "crazy old
- Save time and money with a Reynolds Wrap coffin
- After those pod people from outer space hatch, their empty pods make terrific catchalls
- To show your host you enjoyed your meal, let loose with a foghorn belch
- When aplying wood stain, make sure there's no ventilation so you'll get totally wasted
- Add glitter to every damn thing you own
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
- He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
- On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled outlines of thirteen cats
- Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
- Always trying to impress you by stopping the blades with his head
- You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
- He's fascinated by the details of your home security system
- Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
- Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
- Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
- No toes
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ITEMS AT THE DISNEY STORE
- Mickey Mouse Glue Traps
- 101 Dalmatians Birth-Control Pills
- "The Visible Goofy" Educational Figure
- Chocolate-Covered Jiminy Crickets
- "It's a Small World" Boxer Shorts
- Rabid Pluto Foaming Cappuccino Maker
- Sneezy Doll with Runny-Nose Action
- Aladdin's 2-in-1 Lamp and Crack Pipe
- XXX Cartoon: Chip Does Dale
- Cryogenic Frozen Waltsicles
© 1996 by Worldwide Pants Inc.
"David Letterman's New Book of Top Ten Lists"