David Letterman's
Funniest Top Ten Lists



EXPRESSIONS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T

  1. Frosting the pastry
  2. Shooting Hoops
  3. Jumping the turnstile
  4. Checking your oil
  5. Tethering the blimp
  6. Sending out for sushi
  7. Picnic on the grass
  8. Quarter-pounder at the Golden Arches
  9. Shaking hands with Abraham Lincoln
  10. Wind-surfing on Mount Baldy

LEAST-KNOWN NORMAN ROCKWELL PAINTINGS

  1. A Boy’s First Manicure
  2. The Old Hobo’s Infected Foot
  3. The Circus Geek and the Cub Scout
  4. Caught Touching Himself
  5. Sniper in the Mall
  6. Sweetheart of the Cell Block
  7. Christmas at the Hair Club for Men
  8. Andrew Wyneth Nails Helga
  9. Bad Clams
  10. Turn Your Head and Cough

BIGFOOT’S TOP TEN PET PEEVES

  1. Fat guys who lounge around the campground shirtless
  2. Nobody ever goes after Alf with tranquilizer darts
  3. Chicks who have a hang-up about lice-infested body hair
  4. This Dan Quayle jerk
  5. Kids today would rather see the San Diego Chicken
  6. Lead role in The Ed Asner Story never materialized
  7. The way squirrels smell when they’re damp
  8. Elvis always drops by right before dinner
  9. Honking Winnebagos while you’re trying to enjoy road kill
  10. Driver’s license photo makes him look like Gregg Allman

TOP TEN ELF COMPLAINTS

  1. Bells on clothing target for jeers at truck stops
  2. Need two pieces of ID to buy beer
  3. Santa’s union-busting goons killed a guy last spring
  4. Black elves control weight room
  5. R&R weekends in Aleutians spoiled by trigger-happy shore patrol
  6. Incredible markup at North Pole 7-Eleven
  7. Workmen’s compensation doesn’t cover "mistletoe lung"
  8. The Colonel practically runs my life (Sorry, that’s an Elvis complaint)
  9. Dead elves just tossed out on tundra
  10. Santa only invites his favorites to join him in the jacuzzi

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE MOSCOW MCDONALD’S

  1. "You want turnips with that?"
  2. "I’m spending three weeks’ salary on this Happy Meal."
  3. "The food was better in the gulag."
  4. "In nine or ten years when you do get a car, you’ll really appreciate the drive-thru window."
  5. "Excuse me, comrade- my cold side is cold… but so is my hot side!"
  6. "This sure beats driving a New York City cab."
  7. "Volkov, KGB- what’s in the secret sauce?"
  8. "I’m sorry, Mrs. Gorbachev, we’re not hiring."
  9. "There go our Olympic hopes."
  10. "This sucks. Let’s go to White Castle."

TOP TEN CHRISTMAS MOVIES IN TIMES SQUARE

  1. Hot Buttered Elves
  2. Santa’s Magic Lap
  3. Babes in Boyland
  4. Crisco Kringle
  5. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
  6. Ninja Reindeer Killfest ’98
  7. Not-So-Tiny Tim
  8. Santa Goes ‘Round-the-World
  9. The Nutcracker Swede
  10. I’m Not Rudolph; That’s Not My Nose

TOP TEN REASONS LOIS LANE IS DUMPING SUPERMAN

  1. She's now totally deaf in one ear because of his super snoring
  2. Every time he left the toilet seat up, blamed it on Clark Kent
  3. Always making wisecracks about how his X-ray vision couldn't penetrate her meatloaf
  4. Has no problem stopping a powerful locomotive, but try asking him to mow the lawn
  5. His insistence that the kids be raised super
  6. Won't ask directions even after he's been flying around lost for hours
  7. He always had to go "stop a tidal wave" whenever her parents were in town
  8. He may be evil, but at least Lex Luthor has a car
  9. Saw him barhopping in the Village in a Wonder Woman outfit
  10. Tired of excuses like "There must be some kryptonite under the bed"

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WON'T BE GRADUATING FROM HIGH SCHOOL THIS YEAR

  1. During the fittings for caps & gowns, you're sent out to the football field to look for four-leaf clovers
  2. Your only English paper was titled "TV Guide: Gateway to Viewing Pleasure"
  3. You miss a lot of classes to appear in lineups
  4. During final exams, teachers ask you to go out and get their lunch
  5. Your rebuttal in the first round of the debate tournament: "You've convinced me!"
  6. Nobody believes the pot in your locker was planted by "those Whitewater dudes"
  7. Johnnie Cochran calls, asking you to serve on his next jury
  8. They're giving you an incomplete in shop until you find the teacher's finger
  9. It's nearly May and you still haven't found your homeroom
  10. Your name: Kenny. This year's prom theme: "Sorry You Won't Be Graduating, Kenny"

TOP TEN SOLDIER PET PEEVES

  1. Finding out the "C" in C rations stands for "cat"
  2. Officers who won't accept the finger as a "New York salute"
  3. You're on amphibious maneuvers and you just can't stop giggling
  4. When your tank mates have been eating Mexican food
  5. Marching with fixed bayonets and the guy behind you doesn't hear "halt!"
  6. Mediocre in-flight magazine on troop transports
  7. Getting hit with some "friendly fire" in the latrine
  8. "Alfa-Bravo-Foxtrot-Charlie" I mean, what the hell is up with that shit?
  9. Camouflage fatigues make your ass look huge
  10. Whenever you screw up, somebody starts singing that "Be All That You Can Be" song real sarcastically

MARTHA STEWART'S TOP TEN WORST TIPS FOR LIVING

  1. If you notice a guest using the wrong fork at dinner, pick up the right fork and jam it into his head
  2. Nothing spruces up a bathroom like potpourri and a big stack of wrestling magazines
  3. Spray-paint a couple of pomegranates gold and hurl them through the windshield of a police car
  4. Heavily sedated pets make unusual centerpieces
  5. Keep tall piles of old newspapers all around the house for that "crazy old hermit" look
  6. Save time and money with a Reynolds Wrap coffin
  7. After those pod people from outer space hatch, their empty pods make terrific catchalls
  8. To show your host you enjoyed your meal, let loose with a foghorn belch
  9. When aplying wood stain, make sure there's no ventilation so you'll get totally wasted
  10. Add glitter to every damn thing you own

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN

  1. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
  2. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled outlines of thirteen cats
  3. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
  4. Always trying to impress you by stopping the blades with his head
  5. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
  6. He's fascinated by the details of your home security system
  7. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
  8. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
  9. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
  10. No toes

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ITEMS AT THE DISNEY STORE

  1. Mickey Mouse Glue Traps
  2. 101 Dalmatians Birth-Control Pills
  3. "The Visible Goofy" Educational Figure
  4. Chocolate-Covered Jiminy Crickets
  5. "It's a Small World" Boxer Shorts
  6. Rabid Pluto Foaming Cappuccino Maker
  7. Sneezy Doll with Runny-Nose Action
  8. Aladdin's 2-in-1 Lamp and Crack Pipe
  9. XXX Cartoon: Chip Does Dale
  10. Cryogenic Frozen Waltsicles

1996 by Worldwide Pants Inc.
"David Letterman's New Book of Top Ten Lists"