WARNING: This page is rated R. If you happen to be my dad, just go back to the home page.


Just your average bar jokes...

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"T-Shirt" Jokes

Your proctologist called. They found your head.

The boat sank. Get over it.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day, and tomorrow doesn't look good either.

Itshay Appenshay.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

My I.Q. test came back negative.

When I talk dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to me it's $3.95 a minute.


How can I be so thirsty this morning, when I drank so much last night?

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The Story of Jack Schitt

    Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son named Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number named Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

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33 Suggestive Lines from the Star Wars Trilogy

    Star Wars

  1. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
  2. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
  3. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
  4. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
  5. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
  6. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
  7. "Sorry about the mess..."
  8. "Look at the size of that thing!"
  9. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
  10. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

    The Empire Strikes Back

  1. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
  2. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
  3. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
  4. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
  5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
  6. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
  7. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
  8. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
  9. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
  10. "Control, control! You must learn control!"

    Return of the Jedi

  1. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work."
  2. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
  3. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."
  4. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?"
  5. "I never knew I had it in me."
  6. "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab."
  7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."
  8. "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit."
  9. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can."
  10. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!" with "A little higher, just a little higher."
  11. "Short help's better than no help at all."
  12. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
  13. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"

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State Mottos as They Should Be

At Least We're not Mississippi
It's frickin' cold up here!
But It's a Dry Heat...
Producer of fine presidents like Bill Clinton.
As Seen on TV
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
First Of The Rectangle States
Five Million People; Five Last Names
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Corn and cow tipping go hand and hand.
Whores and Poker! What could be better?
New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:
Ya Wanna #@$%#&! Motto? I Got Yer #@$%#&! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina:
But Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!
We Wish We Were Michigan
Like the Play, only No Singing
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
5,000 Jebidiahs can't be wrong. (And if you're Amish, you shouldn't be on the internet!)
Rhode Island:
We're not a road, and we're not an island.
South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
The Educashun State. Litterasy ain't everthang.
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
(Yes, I speak English)
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Yep. Appreciate your maple syrup.
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
We love rain, really...
Washington, D.C.:
Insert Clinton joke here.
West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Cheese- endorsed by the Packers.

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Feel free to send me some good jokes, preferably the story-type that people send around in e-mails.
E-mail me here.