• Bar Jokes
• T-Shirt Jokes
• Story of Jack Schitt
• Suggestive Lines from Star Wars
• State Mottos
• Funny Classified Ads
• Why the Chicken Crossed the Road
• Sarcastic Remarks to Get you Through the Day
• "Top Ten Things That Piss Me Off"
  by Adam Sandler
• Best of David Letterman's Top Ten Lists
• Deep Thoughts
• Bill & Monica Jokes
• Male Stages of Life
• Female Stages of Life

• A drunk in a bar tries to get a girl to go home with him. He says, "Hey, baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning?" The girl says, "Unfertilized."
  
• A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish joke..."
  The bartender glares at him and says: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both my bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers"
  "Okay" says the man, "I'll tell it very slowly."
  
• I was at a bar having a conversation with a construction worker. We started talking about nuclear war and I asked him, "The sirens go off, you have twenty minutes to live, what do you do?"
  He says, "I fuck anything that moves."
  He asked me what I would do and I said, "Try and keep perfectly still."
  - Jonathan Katz
  

    Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son named Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number named Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

Star Wars

1. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
2. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
3. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
4. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
5. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
6. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
7. "Sorry about the mess..."
8. "Look at the size of that thing!"
9. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
10. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
    

The Empire Strikes Back

1. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
2. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
3. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
4. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
6. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
7. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
8. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
9. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
10. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
    

Return of the Jedi

1. "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work."
2. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
3. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."
4. "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?"
5. "I never knew I had it in me."
6. "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab."
7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."
8. "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit."
9. "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can."
10. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!" with "A little higher, just a little higher."
11. "Short help's better than no help at all."
12. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
13. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"

Alabama:

At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:

It's frickin' cold up here!

Arizona:

But It's a Dry Heat...

Arkansas:

Producer of fine presidents like Bill Clinton.

California:

As Seen on TV

Colorado:

If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:

Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:

We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida:

Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:

We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:

Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:

More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:

Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:

2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:

We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:

First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:

Five Million People; Five Last Names

Louisiana:

We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:

We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:

A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:

Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:

First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota:

10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:

Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:

Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana:

Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska:

Corn and cow tipping go hand and hand.

Nevada:

Whores and Poker! What could be better?

New Hampshire:

Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:

Ya Wanna #@$%#&! Motto? I Got Yer #@$%#&! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:

Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:

You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina:

But Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:

We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio:

We Wish We Were Michigan

Oklahoma:

Like the Play, only No Singing

Oregon:

Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:

5,000 Jebidiahs can't be wrong. (And if you're Amish, you shouldn't be on the internet!)

Rhode Island:

We're not a road, and we're not an island.

South Carolina:

Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:

Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:

The Educashun State. Litterasy ain't everthang.

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

(Yes, I speak English)

Utah:

Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:

Yep. Appreciate your maple syrup.

Virginia:

Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:

We love rain, really...

Washington, D.C.:

Insert Clinton joke here.

West Virginia:

One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin:

Cheese- endorsed by the Packers.

Wyoming:

Wynot?